Artwork by Angel Marie Russell

Poetry

Stardust

Heavy heavy stars,
I ache with you.
I pulse and sway.
I flicker and dance.
I feel your longing.

Separation.

I know your embrace.

I fold into being.
I trace all the steps,
Of starlight glimmer.
I find my way home,
Through darkness.

I move.
I melt.
I blister.
I birth.
I wake.
I scream.
I ache.
I remember.

I remember the silence,
The longing for life.
I remember the quiet,
And the static.
Darkness surrounds,
Oppressive,
I shudder in its snap jaw trap.
I burst beyond the grasp.
I explode.
I implode.
I shift.
I open.
I pull the world into me.
I become the antithesis
Of darkness,
The quiet of night,
I pull the universe
Through a portal.

I birth.
I quake.
And what's through?
The other side?
What is left
When we shudder
And die?

There is no death
And only life.
Stars birth from shadow,
Matter bursts aflame,
There is stardust
In my breath,
And truth in my gaze.

I am the shadow.
I am the remembered.
I am the light.
I am
As are you.
Love.

- Angel Marie Russell (September 12, 2016)
 

I'm Fine

I know what forced smiles feel like
I know what it is to pretend
I'm okay
I'm not a pretender anymore...

I see though life
Was interrupted
I learned to live
To love
Anew,
And again

I know what it is to whisper
Between my words
That say I'm fine

I'm fine
Has a sister
Who isn't.
And it is she
Whose glances stole
Presence on my face
Pained
When embraced

For my first love came
Through blame
Through fists
And hate
A Twisted landscape
For love to be taught

It isn't love
is it?
When it comes with a price.
How could I have known
I wasn't wicked,
Broken,
Misplaced
For as a child
Love rarely was writ on any face

I thought
Surely somewhere love waits
To tell me true
I love you's
For surely somewhere
there's a heart
Waiting to love me

So I jumped too quick and often
Into boys and men's embraces
I looked for love too often
In almost stranger's faces
And I leapt
Blind
Broken
Desperate
For their love to fix it,
To fix
Me.
It isn't love
is it?
When it comes with a price.
I lost myself
My inner truth
So desperate was I
To find love's face.

So I stopped chasing,
Needing,
Rectifying.
My broken heart
Wasn't mended by
Hiding in
I'm fine's.

And my glowering sister
Got more insistent
That we were definitely not okay
Her voice grew louder
'till it was only me and her
Face to face

"You don't see me!"
What do you mean?
I see you here
In my own face!
"You don't listen!"
What do you mean?
I'm trying to find us love
Everyday!
"No sister, this isn't the way!
Not through
Other's embraces,
Lusty lover's faces,
This is not where love lies..."
"So then where?!" Said I
"Oh sister, it's been here all along."
And she laid my hand on my heart...
"Inside."

So, for the first time
I listened.
For the first time I saw,
That in this chasing of love,
A fool's errand, it
Was a chase I couldn't win.
For I already had love,
Silent
Waiting
Ready
Within.

- Angel Marie Russell (October 6, 2016)